Introduction:
Ladies, gents, and PSL enthusiasts (if you can still call yourselves that after this travesty), gather around as I recount the tale of our latest escapade in the land of pumpkin-spiced despair. This time, our unsuspecting taste buds were assaulted at The Cottage, a seemingly quaint establishment right outside the hallowed gates of Camp Humphreys.
Chapter 1: The Foreboding Entrance
As we stepped into what we thought was a wizarding wonderland, little did we know we were actually entering the chamber of pumpkin-spiced secrets. With its Harry Potter-esque décor, The Cottage promised a magical experience, but spoiler alert: the only magic here was how quickly our expectations disappeared.
Chapter 2: The Potion of Disappointment
Sylvya, brave and bold as ever, took the first sip of the fabled PSL and immediately grimaced. “It tastes like pureed pumpkin pie,” she exclaimed, clearly not impressed. Giving it a generous 2 out of 10 on the Yoga Pants Scale™️, it was clear that this potion was not going to win any house points.
Chapter 3: Russell’s Moment of Clarity
Russell, our ever-mystical judge of all things pumpkin, surprisingly rounded out his score to a solid 5. Was it an act of mercy, or had the endless stream of PSLs finally broken his spirit? We may never know, but one thing's for sure: the decimal point was as absent as the flavor in our cups.
Chapter 4: Jon’s Spicy Revelation
Yours truly, in an act of unparalleled bravery (or stupidity), took a gulp and immediately regretted it. “Too much butthole spice,” I declared, my taste buds yearning for the sweet release of anything but this monstrosity. Scoring it a 3 on the Yoga Pants Scale™️, I couldn’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, the Harry Potter vibes were compensating for something.
Chapter 5: The Cottage Conundrum
As we left The Cottage, our palates traumatized and our faith in PSLs shaken, we couldn’t help but ponder: was the Harry Potter theme a clever ruse? A distraction from the pumpkin-spiced atrocity we had just consumed? The world may never know.
OVERALL BASIC B*TCH TOTAL: 3.33 YOGA PANTS
Conclusion:
In the end, dear readers, we learned a valuable lesson: not all that glitters is pumpkin spice, and not all Harry Potter cafes are worth their weight in galleons. The Cottage, with its promise of magical moments, delivered nothing but a pumpkin-spiced catastrophe.
So, until the next chapter of our Basic Bitch Odyssey, stay spicy, stay sarcastic, and for the love of all that is holy, stay away from The Cottage’s PSL.
Yours in spice and sarcasm,
Jon, Sylvya, & Russell – The PSL Survivors
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