Ahoy, flavor adventurers and seekers of the basic! Here we are again, following the infamous episode of the "Cosmic Cat Donuts". If you thought we had reached peak basicness, brace yourself. Pillsbury decided to throw its hat into the pumpkin spice ring and released what I can only describe as the Rolls Royce of basic: Cinnabon Pumpkin Spice Rolls. And by Rolls Royce, I don’t mean luxurious—I mean, they literally roll and have that certain kind of "royalty" only a basic king or queen would understand.
So, the unboxing. As that classic tube burst open with an echoing pop heard across all Starbucks globally, the sight of that orange dough was like Halloween on steroids. Like, seriously Pillsbury? Was the Great Pumpkin from Charlie Brown your consultant on this shade of orange?
The baking part? Well, let's just say things got toasty. Sylvya would tell you that the bottoms looked like they'd had a little too much sun. You know, like that one time Aunt Karen thought she could handle an entire day at the beach without reapplying sunscreen. Slight mishap.
Onto the most "crucial" part - the taste test. Sylvya, with her ever-refined palate (thanks to those mind-blowing Cosmic Cat Donuts), bequeathed these rolls with a rather generous 2 out of 10 yoga pants score. I mean, wow, was she feeling generous today? Or was it the haunting memories of those donuts? Who knows? As for yours truly, being the ever-optimistic and self-proclaimed pumpkin spice connoisseur, I gave them a 4. Was it the actual taste or the fact that I scarfed down two rolls and was feeling doubly generous? The world may never know.
But honestly, if these rolls were on "America's Got Talent," Simon Cowell would probably hit that red buzzer before they even started singing—or in this case, before biting in. It's not that they’re totally horrendous; they just make you question, "Do I really need more pumpkin spice in my life?"
OVERALL BASIC B*TCH TOTAL: 3 YOGA PANTS
In conclusion, the next time you're wandering the grocery aisles and these little orange monstrosities catch your eye, remember this: There are other fish in the sea. Or rolls in the tube. Or...well, you get the point. Cheers to adventures in basicness and here's to hoping Pillsbury might just redeem themselves next season. Or not. We’ll see.
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